Golden Girls: The Last Slice
by Dance War
Summary: The long-lost last episode of The Golden Girls.
1. The Last Slice

scene one, the kitchen, mid-morning. DOROTHY is sitting at the table finishing a massive slab of cheesecake, and ROSE is standing at the open refrigerator, looking for something to eat.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
rose, will you shut that damn door? we're not paying to air condition the kitchen.  
  
ROSE  
  
i know, dorothy, because you're such a cheap bitch. my crack is sweating!  
  
dorothy looks at the camera and rolls her eyes as BLANCHE enters the room. she holds for applause, but there is none, so she continues the scene.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
morning, ladies! god, what a beautiful day!  
  
ROSE  
  
morning, blanche! how did you sleep?  
  
BLANCHE  
  
sleep? honey, i just got in! big daddy is in town and we was out clubbin' all night. we took some E, went to a missy elliot concert on south beach and saw a drag show down at butchies nightclub.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
did you tell your brother i said hi?  
  
BLANCHE  
  
oh, shut the hell up, maude. i mean, dorothy.  
  
ROSE (closing refrigerator door)  
  
oh, why bother? sophia spends all our grocery money down at the Male Train anyway. i'm so hungry i could eat a cow! that reminds me of that time in st. olef when...  
  
DOROTHY (chucking her empty plate at rose's head. her aim is perfect, and ROSE goes down.)  
  
shut up, rose!  
  
BLANCHE  
  
good shot, dorothy! hey, listen, can i ask you a favor?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
i'm not raising another ethiopian baby if that's what you mean.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
no, it's nothing like that, although, how is edwardo anyway?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
he's...delicious. did you have any of the stew i made last night?  
  
BLACNHE  
  
huh? oh, anyway, dorothy, look, i'm in a pickle and i need your help.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
that's ironic. the pickles are usually in you.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
don't be so foul! look, im serious, dorothy. i thought we were friends!  
  
DOROTHY  
  
ha! we're only nice to you so we don't have to pay rent.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
well, i never knew! but now i do! is that true, rose?  
  
ROSE (picking herself up off the floor)  
  
sorry, i must've slipped on the sweat leaking from my depends. it's so hot!  
  
DOROTHY  
  
what did you expect, we're in south florida.  
  
ROSE  
  
no, we're on a sound stage in chicago.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
i can't believe you two hussies! i honestly thought we were all real good friends!  
  
ROSE  
  
well blanche, you're just a stupid southerner, what can i say?  
  
BLANCHE (indignant)  
  
who you calling stupid? why don't you take your two brain cells, rub 'em together and try to start a fire?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
maybe she could send smoke signals to the mothership.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
and, dorothy, i am sick of you sitting around the house all day like some vast slug. get out! get a life, a job, a hobby, something! you both make me sick!  
  
she runs, crying, from the room, just as SOPHIA enters.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
what was scarlett o'hara bawling about?  
  
ROSE  
  
she thinks we don't like her.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
we don't. we're just nice to her so we dont have to pay rent.  
  
ROSE  
  
i like ham!  
  
scene ends. break for commercials.  
  
scene two. the living room, mid-afternoon. DOROTHY and SOPHIA are sitting on the couch, watching tv.   
  
SOPHIA  
  
well, pussycat, there you go. we've watched all thirty-seven girls gone wild tapes. christ, i'm bored. want some cheesecake?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
i ate it all for breakfast, ma.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
what?! we had sixteen, we got them at costco's!   
  
DOROTHY  
  
have you seen the size of me lately, ma? i'm a fucking ogre.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
you got that right, pussycat. then again, you were always a big girl. hell, i'm still stretched out from the delivery.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
well, there's still some of that pie big daddy brought down from the plantation. why don't you have some of that? you love mamy's pecan pies.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
i would, but i saw rose poking her disgusting fingers in it earlier. i think i'll just have some cheesecake.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
ma, are you high? i just told you i'd eaten it all.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
oh yeah. guess they never should have let me out of shady pines, huh?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
they didn't have a choice! you threatened that orderly with a coathanger.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
oh, boohoo. what's a little coathanger gonna do?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
she was pregnant!  
  
BLANCHE enters from the kitchen. she notices DOROTHY, but ignores her.  
  
BLANCHE (to SOPHIA)  
  
well, hello sophia! how are you today?  
  
SOPHIA  
  
hungry! my gargantuan daughter ate all the cheesecake.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
some people have no control, sophia. why, look at me! i've managed to retain my slim, girlish figure through diet and exercise. i like to do things naturally.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
that must be why your prices are so high.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
anyway, sophia, i was just on my way to pick up big daddy from the mall. he was going to stop at victoria's secret.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
i didn't know your brother was in town!  
  
BLANCHE (shaking her head)  
  
they never should've let you leave shady pines.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
they didn't have a choice! i was brandishing a cheesecake.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
a coat hanger, ma, a coat hanger.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
oh yeah, why do i keep saying cheesecake? i must be stuck in a k-hole.  
  
BLANCHE leaves. SOPHIA goes into the kitchen just as ROSE is coming out from the back porch.  
  
ROSE  
  
oh, dorothy, i'm so glad you're here.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
i'm always here, rose, i'm seven feet tall and have teeth like a yeti. where would i be?  
  
ROSE  
  
the circus?   
  
DOROTHY  
  
what do you want, rose?  
  
ROSE (sitting next to DOROTHY on the sofa)  
  
well, it's kind of a private matter, so i trust you won't say anything to anyone.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
who would i tell? everytime i leave the house someone shoots me with a tranquelizer gun and i wake up next to that horny panda at metro zoo.  
  
ROSE  
  
well, dorothy, the thing is, i've been seeing this really great guy named miles. and things are starting to get serious! in fact...a few weeks ago...we...we...  
  
DOROTHY  
  
what, made love?  
  
ROSE  
  
heavens no! we held hands at the senior center.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
that explains why he lost that basketball game.  
  
ROSE  
  
but, dorothy, he wants to take it to the next level. i think he does want to make love to me!  
  
DOROTHY  
  
i see what you're getting at, rose. the man is obviously not playing with a full deck.  
  
ROSE  
  
what should i do, dorothy? i really like him, but i'm not ready to sleep with anyone just yet.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
tell him you're a nun.  
  
ROSE  
  
but i already gave him a BJ!  
  
DOROTHY  
  
then you ARE a nun?  
  
ROSE  
  
oh, dorothy, you're no help at all! why am i taking sex advice from a woman who's only ever had sex with stan?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
for your information, rose, stan is a very passionate lover. i used to scream for hours at a time.  
  
ROSE  
  
hmm. i can't remember the last time i screamed for hours at a time.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
it was when we went to that mariah carrey concert, remember?  
  
ROSE (shuddering)  
  
oh yeah. i started having flashbacks from vietnam!  
  
scene ends. cut to commercial.  
  
scene three, the kitchen, early evening. DOROTHY, ROSE, and SOPHIA are sitting at the table. DOROTHY and SOPHIA are drinking water and eating plain pieces of bread, while ROSE enjoys a complete mess of a pecan pie.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
i can't believe there's not a scrap of food in the entire house. it's like i'm back in italy, except there's no food.  
  
ROSE  
  
are you sure you don't want some pie? it's delicious!  
  
SOPHIA  
  
i would, rose, but i had a piece earlier and ended up with one of your pubic hairs in my teeth. that's the second time that's happened this week.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
when was the first?  
  
SOPHIA  
  
say, how bout those giants?  
  
ROSE (nodding toward DOROTHY)  
  
she's sitting right there, sophia.  
  
DOROTHY (exasperated)  
  
jesus, rose, how are you still alive?   
  
ROSE  
  
it must be the prunes. they keep you regular, you know.  
  
BLANCHE comes in from the living room. she ignores the rest of the women, who fall silent when she enters. she walks to the refrigerator, looks inside, and then slams it shut in disgust.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
oh, goddamn!  
  
she glares at her housemates sitting awkwardly at the table, looking at their hands.  
  
BLANCHE  
  
i've been thinking long and hard about what you said this morning, ladies. i talked to big daddy about it, and we've decided that we want you all gone by the end of the week. do you understand me?  
  
SOPHIA  
  
you lost me after "long and hard".  
  
ROSE (standing up)  
  
blanche, please! can't we just sit down and talk about this?  
  
BLANCHE  
  
and how do you expect me to do that, rose? there are only three chairs at the table so we don't block the camera.  
  
SOPHIA  
  
well, i was planning on tuning you out anyway, so i'll just get on up to bed. man, i could go for some cheesecake.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
they sure were delicious.  
  
the other three women give her stony looks. SOPHIA exits.  
  
BLANCHE (sitting)  
  
look, my mind is made up. i want y'all out of my house.  
  
ROSE  
  
oh, blanche! don't you remember all those great times we had here? remember that other time when we all sat around remembering those other times we'd sat around?   
  
BLANCHE  
  
those were some good times.  
  
DOROTHY  
  
they sure were.  
  
ROSE  
  
oh, come on blanche, can't you give us another chance?  
  
BLANCHE (smiling)  
  
oh...well..i supp-  
  
DOROTHY  
  
fuck it, rose. i'm sick of living here anyway. maybe when we're gone blanche can open up a brothel and have the men come to her.  
  
ROSE  
  
yeah! fuck this, fuck miles, and fuck blanche! let's go back to saint olef!  
  
DOROTHY (standing up)  
  
yeah! come one, rose, we can get packing.  
  
ROSE (following DOROTHY)  
  
should we take sophia?  
  
DOROTHY  
  
let's just kill her.  
  
they exit.  
  
BLANCHE (to herself)  
  
oh, well. maybe now i can-  
  
her eyes widen, and she clutches her chest.  
  
BLANCHE (gasping)  
  
my heart!  
  
she collapses to the floor, dead.  
  
SOPHIA (offstage)  
  
hey pussycat, what are you doing with that gun?  
  
BANG BANG  
  
THUMP  
  
scene ends.   
  
the end. 


	2. Author's Note

Please note: I do not own the rights to the Golden Girls, and use the characters entirely without permission of the show's owners/creators. They are not to blame for my dumb fiction.  
  
Golden Girls: The Last Slice  
  
Written by Dance War (qualitycafe@bellsouth.net) 


End file.
